Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Confused, upset, saddened...

Thank God for this blog. This is something that I want to talk about but fear that I may burst out in tears if I do talk about it and I really don't need the added headache. First off this is will probably be a negative blog - nothing about it will be good and I doubt any immediate good will come out of it.

Why is it that parents have to screw up in order for a future parent to see how to treat a child or what not to do to a child? Why can't it be I treat and raise my child with lots of love so that they can see this is the way to treat people. Why is it that people see children as something they own and control? I swear I hate part of my family at times - I hate their ignorance and I hate their subsequent actions. I hate that they say one thing and then do something to counteract and make things worse. I hate that they think violence is the only way to get things solved and if I make this a beating to remember then the problem will go away. Do parents really have to make their kids hate them in order for the children to become better parents or for that matter better people?

I think I was dumb enough to believe that once a child gets older the form of discipline changes and at a certain age they are now able to make our own decisions and mistakes. I think I was dumb enough to believe that people can change. I think I was dumb enough to believe that everyone who comes from the same parents treat their kids the same way.

I don't feel that I should have bad memories from my childhood because something happened to someone that would never happen to me. I don't feel that everytime something happens I should think that maybe had I said something then certain things wouldn't happen now. And I definitely shouldn't feel like had I did say something it would have been a waste of time because nothing would have changed. I also shouldn't feel like minding my own business is the way to go because I've been instructed to or because I fear that the outcome may, in fact, cause more harm than good, and I hate myself for feeling this way and not being able to do anything about it. I shouldn't feel this pain in my heart right now. I shouldn't feel hate towards someone I'm suppose to love and I shouldn't feel that we'd all be better off with someone dead.

I'm a sensitive person - what hurts someone I love hurts me in ways that are unexplainable, it's even worse when I can't get to the person and give them the comfort they need or take them away from the situation. Certain things that happen confuse me because like I previously said I can't imagine them happening to me, can't imagine myself doing them or just can't imagine them happening period. I get upset because I honestly believe that people should be judge by what's inside not outside and you shouldn't get punished because you feel differently. I'm saddened because these things happen...

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